Hope Lost
by soaringwren
Summary: "I need you." One night on the roof after an argument, the team tries to convince Tony to live. Oneshot. T for suicide and harsh language. Strictly Bromance, no slash. The whole team is mentioned, no Loki. some pepperony later in the story. Set months after the movie.
1. Chapter 1: Hope lost

Bruce wondered where Tony was.

It had been a quiet evening, but the air was full of tension, left brewing from the argument the team had had the other day. And the day before, and the day before that. In fact, the whole week had been stressful, between the arguments, and the whispered conversations, and the avoiding each other, and of course, saving the world.

The 'conversations' started pleasant, then into a mild protest, and then the heat would rise up and arguing would begin, shouting, choosing sides. And almost every one of the arguments ended up with a finger at Stark.

Yesterday, after defeating Emilgard and her army of robots, things had turned nasty. Pressure was already being built because apparently, they hadn't known Emilgard was a girl and Steve had incidentally started dating her. Stark must've realized that she was controlling the robots, and full on tackled her, with Steve confused and defensive, not knowing that Tony was trying to protect him. Tony had tried to tell him, but Steve either wouldn't give him the time of day, or deemed him a liar, jealous and impulsive.

The city was safe, but harsh words were thrown, about how Tony had been reckless and uncommunicative, and while Bruce had stood up for his friend, his voice could hardly be heard through Clint, Natasha and Steve's yelling, (Thor was in New Mexico visiting Jane) and Stark had slunk away, most likely taking a bottle of scotch with him.

Bruce got up, nobody had seen Tony since the argument, and went to check if his friend was okay. But to his surprise, Tony wasn't locked in his lab.

"Jarvis, where's Tony?"

Jarvis's calm British accent was laced with something else as he said, "Mister Stark is on the roof, he would not like to have company." This sunk in for a moment, and Bruce got the grasp of what that meant. He swore, "Shit! Tell the whole team to get on the roof right now and tell them to be careful! Stark's trying to kill himself!" He raced into the elevator and it rose. He willed it to go faster.

His pulse picked up and as panic filled him, he could feel 'the other guy' bleed through, but Bruce calmed himself, and as the doors slid open with a soft 'ding', it took all his will not to race out, instead he took soft, even steps into the cool night. The bright city skyline was impressive from the height, but he couldn't see Tony. Was he too late? No, he could see a figure at the very edge of the roof, and as he neared cautiously, he could see how his friend was transfixed on the street below where the rush of cars became tiny beads of light.

"Tony…" He said, not wanting to startle the man, and Tony looked up from his trance-like gaze, looking right at him. Bruce took a deep breath and gulped, "Tony, st-step away from the edge." He tried to make his voice calm and controlled, but couldn't help but tremble, his voice wavering. His friend looked back down at the street and asked, "Why?"

"Well, because you, need to live." _How was this not a given?_ Bruce thought desperately.

"Why? It's not like my life's ever made a difference." Tony snapped, giving a small bitter laugh, "Why should I live? I don't deserve to."

Bruce didn't know what to say, _how could you answer a question like that?_ "What? Of course you deserve to live! How can you think that?!"

"Because that's the truth, and you know that."

The elevator doors slid open, and the service door was flung open as well, apparently Clint hadn't wanted to wait for the elevator. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Clint cried as he skidded to a stop next to Bruce. But Tony only snorted, "What do you think?"

"Stark, don't do this." Natasha's even-tempered voice commanded.

"You shouldn't care! I'm a killer, I'm a selfish bastard, and I don't deserve to live!"

"Of course we care! We all care about you!" Bruce protested.

Tony only shuffled forward.

"Don't you dare!" Clint shouted.

This was when Steve spoke, "Stark, step away from the edge. Come inside, and we can talk about this."

"No! Don't you see? I can't go inside, not like the other times! I cant be weak, my father told me that. Don't be weak, be a man like Captain America! There's a man to be proud of! Can't even kill yourself all the way, disgusting." Steve looked as if he had had a punch to the gut, but Bruce was too stunned by the first part. _How many times has he stood up here?_

"You know, I thought it was getting better," Tony continued, "I stopped having nightmares, I even thought, that maybe I could trust you, I thought that I could actually be a superhero, make up for all the things I've done. But you're right, if I take off the suit, what am I? I'm a killer, I'm weak, I'm a coward, and I endanger the team!"

Clint and Natasha exchanged glances, and slowly moved forward.

"Look, I know you're confused and hurt, but we can help you. We can sort this out." Steve tried to keep Tony's attention as the two master assassins continued to creep towards where he stood to try to restrain him. But Tony whipped around and saw their approach. "Stay away from me!" he cried and took another small step back. Seeing how unstable Stark was, they both paused and tried a different tactic. "Tony, we've all killed many people, and you are doing the right thing, you're a good guy, and you are a superhero, not a killer." Natasha soothed, but in vain.

"Have you destroyed a city of villagers in the middle east when you were eight? I watched them die, because of the bomb I built and designed! Most of my life I spent drinking and gambling while the weapons I made created wars and killed too many lives. I still hear the screams of the men I burned alive as I left the perfect example of good and courage behind, bleeding out for me. All I've ever been good at is making weapons; all I'm good for is killing." Tony's words were choked, filled with anger and desperation and pleading, "You don't need someone like me."

"I need you." Bruce was startled by the strength in his voice. "You helped me become who I am, you were the one who accepted the Hulk and encouraged me to keep control and accept him too. I need you, because otherwise, SHIELD would have me locked up like a monster, and I would have no one who trusts me, and I wouldn't be safe from Ross." He took a deep breath and continued, "It was you, Tony, who took the missile into space, sacrificed your life for us, and we wouldn't be standing here without you. I need you. Tony, come away from the edge." His friend looked uncertain, and looked behind him, at the drop that faced him with only one more step. Bruce was crying openly now, but he didn't care. Everything was quiet for a moment.

And Tony took a step forward.

Bruce was hesitant at first, and he moved toward Tony,

And his best friend was in his arms, shuddering and sobbing into his shoulder, and Bruce held him, gripped him tight. An audible sigh of relief came from the others, but Tony didn't glance at them once as Bruce supported and guided him into the elevator and into Starks king sized bed.

After making sure Tony was comfortable, he turned to leave, but Tony whispered, "Don't go." And so he hesitantly slid under the covers, and his friend was sound asleep, gripping his hand tightly.


	2. Chapter 2: never alone

**A/N: I had originally meant for the story to be a Oneshot, but I left it open, and I finally decided to continue the story. Thank you to all who reviewed, the positive energy got me writing, even just knowing that people are making it a favorite, although, if there's more reviews, I can update sooner than later… School is starting up soon, and I'm going to be busy, getting into the rhythm and all, but I'll try to keep up with updating, I know how frustrating it can be to wait for a really long time for the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I forgot it last time, I was in a rush and I'm still new to this, but I admit, despite my fantasies, I do ****not**** own the Avengers. (Sigh)**

**By the way: I switch perspectives from Tony to bruce halfway through, so I'm sorry for any confusion on that. **_

The next morning was awkward, to say the least.

Tony woke to Jarvis informing him that he needed to get up. "No…" he only groaned in reply, "no, no, no, no," and that was when the events of the last night hit him. He trembled at the memory, and deep in his gut, the fiery feeling of shame rising up; he looked over and didn't see Bruce laying there, to his relief and confusion.

"Sir, you really need to get up. If you do not exit the room within 10 minutes the emergency alarm will go off."

"and?"

"Would you like me to repeat myself?"

"Ugh." Tony sat up, felt dizzy, and flopped back down with a groan. "Don't say I didn't warn you, sir." Jarvis said with what could consider to be a sigh, and Tony finally lifted himself out from under the covers. The more he thought about it, the less he wanted to have the matress completely turned over onto the floor, fans blast at high from the walls and a mixture of rock songs and Fury shouting at him screaming through the room. It had been Peppers request.

He was dressed, and safely out of the room, but the last thing Tony wanted to do was to see his team-members again. His episode wasn't new to him, he had experienced the whole thing many times, but nobody ever, ever knew about his attempts.

"Jarvis," He called, "set me a flight to my house in Malibu, today preferably." Maybe Tony could slip off, escape to his mansion and think everything out there. That sounded like the best thing to do, but his mind felt scrambled, and he was so _goddamn _tired. The lab appealed to him right now, even with nothing to do in it, but as Tony slid to a sitting position with his back against the wall, his knees up with his forehead resting on them, he desperately wanted-needed coffee. Maybe mixed with scotch. But he, the brilliant Mr. Stark, had no idea how he would maintain his composure, his image, with the rest of the team waiting for him. He knew they would be. They wouldn't accept him flouncing in there with a grin and just walking back out with a drink. Although it certainly might put them off guard. Maybe long enough to slip in and out to get what he needed… It was worth a try, and he wasn't absolutely sure that they wouldn't just outright search for him anyway.

Sliding upwards again and feeling dizzy from the extreme emotional output from the previous night, Tony hobbled down the hall, then paused outside the kitchen, making himself take deep, measured breaths.

He went in.

As he expected, the whole team was there, even Thor, but not Fury (thank god). Clint, who had a particular aversion to chairs, perched warily on the counter, Natasha tensed up as she sat on a wooden stool, Thor looked up from handling something on the stove, his large frame filling half the kitchen, Steve leaned nonchalantly against an island in the center of the room and Bruce startled, rushing towards him, then pausing a few feet away. Tony could almost feel the bars he had put up in his eyes slide down when focusing on the only man in the room he could trust, and Bruce took that as an invitation. "Do you feel alright?" Bruce asked, looking him over protectively, and for once, Tony couldn't find anything snarky to say, so he settled with a hesitant, "I-yah, I'm, I'm alright." He moved, forward past Natasha and Clint and squeezing past Thor and he could feel five pairs of eyes following him intently.

"Why did you attempt to hurt yourself, my friend?" Thor rumbled, genuinely confused. Tony didn't know how to answer. He opened up the cabinet above the coffee maker and started to make a pot, and when the silence became too much he sighed and turned around. "Look, It' s just something some people do sometimes, and I shouldn't have made such a big fuss, " he began, trying not to tremble so much, "I'm sorry you had to see that. It's not your fault, and I should've, well, I don't know. There's only, It's just," He trailed off, confused to see the affronted look in Steve's eyes, and the partially hidden shock in Natasha's. Clint had his mouth open like he was about to say something but had forgotten what, which was strange for Tony, _didn't they understand what he was trying to say? _He poured the steaming hot coffee into his mug and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Well, you know, if that's all, I'll be going to the lab…" he tried, moving forward, cradling his cup, but Thor had turned his body completely, to block the way he was going, and Tony headed in the other direction when his massive friend refused to budge. But Clint hopped down, flipped over the island and stopped in the middle of the path, and when Tony passed by Captain America, he had his arm caught. Steve looked earnestly into his eyes, tightly gripping his shoulder, and Tony started to feel crowded. His breathing quickened and he tried to focus on keeping calm.

_Hands surrounded him, holding him above the frigid water. With a pause, they shoved him in. The hands held him down as he floundered, fighting with all his strength…_

"Don't touch me." Tony warned gruffly, but the leader ignored him, trying to convey something, he had no idea. All Tony knew was that he was crowded and surrounded, and that there were hands, and suddenly, he was back in the caves, with loud yelling in foreign languages, threats, blood in the air. He jerked away violently, and backed against a wall, arm across his chest to cover his arc reactor. And just as soon as his episode started, it ended, leaving him pressed against the wall, trembling, and looking panicked. Everyone looked startled, and confused, and the shame welled within him again. He had dropped the mug without realizing it, and it had shattered on the floor, the spilled coffee sure to stain. Steve was frozen in place, hand outreached towards him, Clint's eyes were wide with shock, Natasha just looked confused, Bruce looked uneasy, unsure, and Thor asked, "Are you alright, Man of Iron?" The words were garbled in Tony's ears, but he caught the look passed between the two assassins. "Tony? Can you hear us?" Clint asked him, but he didn't know how to respond, he just quivered, but eventually was able to bring himself to nod. "I'm fine; I just need to be alone." Tony choked out and rushed through a gap and out of the room.

Bruce watched with concern as he did so, but didn't follow, catching the feeling that his friend really meant what he said about needing some space. "What was that about?" Steve broke the silence. There was that look again, and Natasha sighed. "We think that there might have been a trigger when you touched him." She said, but Steve still looked confused. Clint stepped in to explain it further, "What probably happened just then was that Stark picked up something that gave him a flashback, probably from his time in Afghanistan."

"What happened in Afghanistan that was so bad? He looked pretty shook up, but there's nothing in his files that suggests such a reaction."

Bruce cleared his throat shyly, and everyone turned to him. "Tony hacks SHIELD all the time. I'm sure that if there was something there that he didn't want to be known, he would be able to get rid of all trails of it in only a couple of minutes."

"He can't just keep this all to himself!" Steve protested.

"The good captain is right, surely it cannot be healthy to suffer all of these things alone." Agreed Thor.

"We need to talk to him somehow."

Clint only snorted, "and look how well that turned off. He doesn't trust us, that's obvious, why would he want to talk? If we push too hard, he'll be lost."

Bruce glumly nodded, "He's probably locked himself in his lab right now, and there's a good chance he won't let anyone in."

"Maybe… Banner? He responded well to you last night…" Natasha suggested.

"Maybe. I don't know, he's still pretty upset." He ran his fingers through his hair and finally acquiesced, "I'll- I'll try, but I'm not sure he'll let me in." Bruce left the kitchen, turning down and climbing the stairs that led to the level that Tony had his lab on. When he had first arrived at Stark tower, he had quickly noticed how his host would disappear for long amounts of time, working tirelessly on a new idea for days straight, and he now knew that the Lab was Tony's sanctuary.

When he arrived, Bruce looked in, through the glass, and saw Tony slumped against a counter, tapping at a Stark-pad. Hesitantly, he gave a few raps on the wall, and Tony looked up. What Bruce saw was not promising. His friends, eyes were glassy and dull, and he looked lost, even though he purposefully monitored the building's structure, twisting the 3d diagram. "Tony? Can I come in?" he called but Tony seemed to be balancing what his response was and eventually answered, "No, go away. I-I can't hurt you, buddy. I'm better if I'm alone." The look on his face must've been disappointed, because Tony rushed to explain, "I can't be with anyone, I'm destructive and impulsive. I can't handle it all anymore, not anymore." He then dropped his face to study something on his jeans, twisting and picking at the fabric, and Bruce, seeing that he wasn't invited, sighed and walked away, turning back at the last moment, calling, "Tony, I'm coming back later. You know that we all just want to help you, right?" Tony didn't respond, and just went back to fiddling with the diagram. Bruce wearily made his way to the kitchen, then realized the others had gathered in the living room.

They looked up inquisitively, but he only shook his head slowly. "Should we tell Fury? I mean, Stark did try to, kill himself." Natasha asked.

"No!" Clint violently shot out, "You know what they'll do to him, they'll put him on constant watch or lock him up; I'm not doing that to Stark." Steve looked nervous at the suggestion that they go against authority, but he still nodded assertively.

"But I wouldn't be shocked if Tony tried to attempt again, from what I've heard, it seems as if this has happened several times. The whole point of the SHIELD program is to make sure he doesn't again. I agree, I don't trust Fury to handle this well, but we can't just leave Tony alone with his problems."

"Then we'll have to set up our own watch." Clint had a determined gleam in his eye as, one by one, they all agreed. Whatever happened, Tony wasn't going be alone. _

**I hope you like, this is longer, and I could go more on it, but I feel confident so far. Remember, reviews make me happy, and quicker to write :) **


	3. Chapter 3: Disappearance into the night

**A/N: I am on fire! Two posts in one day, partly cuz you were all so nice by reviewing, partly cuz I'm in the mood, and partly cuz I might not be able to update tomorrow and break is ending, which means less posts :( **

**Disclaimer: To those of you who have short term memory loss, I don't own the avengers, I thought I already made that clear.**

**BTW: Again, switched to Clint halfway through, so don't freak out, peoples! :P **

The harsh lights made Tony's eyes hurt and he blinked to try to focus on the equation he was working on. The last time he had checked, it was only 8 at night and already dark. He twisted uncomfortably, rubbing his eyes again and groaning. Despite acting otherwise, the lab was uncomfortable, the cold from the outside had seeped through the walls, and the constant bright lighting always messed with ones perception of time. There was a new message on the computer screen, and it took a couple readings to understand what exactly it meant. It read: **Flight to Malibu scheduled for 11:00 PM today, sir. **Tony didn't know how much time had passed since the last time he had checked so he called out, "Jarvis, what time is it?" He actually winced at how rough his voice sounded. "It is now 10:20 sir." Jarvis informed him, and that got Tony into a frenzy. Paranoid as always, Tony made sure he looked casual as he tucked any necessary technology he didn't have in Malibu into a briefcase, then made his way to the lab's bathroom with it.

He had gotten paranoid when he had gotten back from Afghanistan, and even Pepper didn't know the extent of the changes he had made. He took out his Arc reactor, Quietly hissing in pain, and pressed it against the drain in the sink. The sensors caught the glow, there was a loud click, and the mirror swung open. Behind the mirror was a panel, and tapping in the code, Tony watched as the door to a passageway opened, disguised as a wall in the small shower he kept in there. Grimacing at the pool of water a couple inches in (he hadn't got to completely sealing the cracks near the floor from the water), and picking up a suitcase of essentials that he kept stored in case of emergency, Tony was far away from the Stark tower within minutes by accessing the unused sewer tunnels.

Jarvis rung out from the tablet that Tony kept tucked under his arm, "Sir? Are you sure you want to leave?"

"Yes, Jarvis, I just need to be alone." Tony wasn't so sure what he needed anymore, in truth, but still, he trudged on, determined to finish what he had started. Jarvis spoke again, "What should I tell the other inhabitants of the tower if they ask after you?" Tony sighed. He didn't want to leave them in the dark, but any information would set them on his tail. "Just tell them that I am safe. Nothing more, Jarvis, not times, not anything, not even this conversation; understood?" "Yes sir."

And with that glum announcement, Tony boarded the plane under the cover of dark.

THIS IS A PAGE BREAK BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER FREAKING WAY TO SEPARATE PARAGRAPHS

Clint tumbled out of the ceiling with a curse. "Damn it Stark." He swore, then moved towards the bathroom that he had seen Tony enter. He hadn't wanted to invade the man's privacy, but it had been 10 minutes of no-show, and he was worried. To his complete and utter shock, the bathroom was completely empty, and there were no signs of any possible exit. "Shit, shit, shit, shit!" Clint repeated under his breath as he gave the room another once-over and started to search the lab in a panic. The others had opted for him to keep watch for now, because the vents were a convenient way to follow Tony, and, being an assassin, he was good at keeping quiet, but now he had lost his quarry, something that had never happened before. The others were not going to be happy.

"You lost him?!" was the collective cry of outrage from the group, and Clint flinched at the glare Natasha was pinning him with. He protested, "How was I to know that he would magically disappear in the bathroom?" but underneath the tone of outrage was one of guilt and regret, and the others eased off. Steve paced back and forth, Natasha chewed on her bottom lip, almost unnoticeably, Thor gripped his hammer, and Bruce stood, worry glimmering in his eyes. "Jarvis, where is Tony?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm unable to tell you. He is safe." Real regret could be heard in the electronic butler's voice, but he was programmed not to go against a direct order from Tony. "That man…" Natasha hissed, but Clint knew that she was just expressing her frustration.

"Tony, what have you done now?" moaned Bruce, and Clint could see how harshly Tony's depression had affected the man. Steve didn't say anything of the sort, only turned pale, and went to directly addressing the problem, "We need to find Tony, which means bringing in Fury. He has the resources, it only makes sense." Clint felt his jaw clench at the mention of Fury, but it was Bruce who argued. "As much as I want to find Tony, you know that Fury would ask too many questions and just end up arguing with the council for hours instead of searching. And if the director finds him, he'll only send a swat team in, which you know that Tony can outrun and we'll lose him forever. I think we should try to find him by ourselves before calling SHIELD in." His reasoning made perfect sense and no one argued.

Surprisingly, Thor was the one who took immediate action, calling out, "Jarvis, can you not tell us anything about the Man of Iron's disappearance?"

"I'm afraid I cannot. Mr. Stark was very thorough in prohibiting me from telling you anything. I cannot find any loopholes."

"Is there any security footage?" Bruce chimed in.

"There are neither security cameras nor sensors detecting Mr. Stark's exit, nor are there any existing files of transportation."

"Can you tell us how Tony left the building?" Clint asked in turn; he was still frustrated that he couldn't find out how Tony left the tower without being seen.

"I am afraid not, Mr. Stark is very protective of the secrets within the tower."

"This conversation's not going to get us anywhere. It's time to do some real investigating." Natasha snapped, and stalked out of the room. After exchanging glances, they followed her down to the lab.

As soon as they got in by using a security override code, Steve took charge. "Bruce, check for any missing technology that Stark might've taken with him and search for any trace of information that would help us know where he's going or what he's planning to do. Clint, Natasha, you two scour that bathroom, find something, anything. Thor, I need you to get an overhead of the city, maybe check some bars, just some general search. Keep me updated." From the harsh tone in his voice that they rarely heard, Clint knew Steve was about to snap with tension. The only other time Clint had heard him sound like that was while Tony was flying the missile into the portal.

The first thing he did was check the ceiling and the vents, but was surprised to find that the ceiling was thick all the way through, and that the only vent was one on the wall towards the floor, but much too small to climb through and bolted shut. They tried the floor next, but to no avail. Clint stared at the shower head and drain and asked, "do you think he went down the drain?" Natasha didn't respond, only unscrewed the drain cover and fished around. Nothing, nothing and more nothing; He wanted to slam his head against a wall. After thoroughly inspecting the whole room, top to bottom, they still had no luck. Without warning, Natasha slammed her fist into the mirror, the shards raining to the floor. She continued to stare forward, no emotion on her face, but Clint could tell that she blamed herself for Tony leaving. "Tasha, there is no way you are to blame for this. We all were being jerks, and even still, Tony might still have tried to do it." He assured her, but still, she stayed focused forwards. "Come on, don't be stubborn," he began again, ready to launch into a rant just to convince her, but she said in surprise, "I found something." Clint rushed forward and helped her clear the rest of the pieces from the frame. Instead of a backing, there was a hollow space in which some of the shards had fallen into, and in it, there was an inset panel that asked for a code. "Banner!" Clint shouted, even though the links were working fine, "Get in here!"

"What is it?" Bruce panted as he entered the cramped space, and the two agents just pointed. They both backed away to give him room. "Cap, we found something." He said softly, and then started examining their discovery, muttering to himself as he went. "Normal code, 20 digits, long with a secure hacker firewall, hmm, difficult to get through. I wonder, how did he access behind here? The glass was firm before they got here, some sort opening device on the edge of the panel, would swing open…" He pried at the frame and looked at the wires embedded in in, following the progress with his finger, down, hidden through carved inlay tunnels in the wall down into the sink. He detached the drain, and inhaled sharply, he had discovered something. "What is it?" Clint asked him, and Bruce ushered the two forward.

"Tony would take out his arc reactor, let it shine down there," Bruce pointed into the drain, "and the reactors would recognize the energy pulse emitted by it. That would trigger the frame and mirror to swing outwards, and entering the right 20 digit-long code would do something."

"What?" Clint asked but Bruce gave a frustrated sigh, running his fingers through his hair, "I don't know, I can't find out until the code can be found."

"Everyone, get up to the living room." Steve announced over the link, and the weariness in his voice made Clint feel the exhaustion of the night sink into his skin and weight his bones.

3 minutes later, Clint was sprawled on the couch, Natasha sitting on its arm, Steve sitting in his high-back chair, Bruce sitting on the floor with his back to the couch, and Thor in his huge plush chair. They couldn't help but stare at the red and gold chair that Tony usually occupied. Steve started with a sigh, "I talked to some people," At their defensive looks he assured, "Not SHIELD, just some personal friends, and they have nothing." The room suffered from the silence that should've been filled with Stark making a crack about Steve having friends. "Me and Tasha found the first step of how Tony would've left without being noticed. There was some sort of code that would do something; we just don't know what it is yet." Clint reported softly and Natasha nodded. "I looked, Tony definitely took some of his gear, but I can't find any plans, he was thorough; as always." Bruce admitted, looking downcast, "I looked briefly at the code, and I already know that I can't hack it. We can't pry at it with any force, any tampering and a security system will go up, and I don't want to risk that." Thor too, looked upset, and quietly reported, "I am sorry, I searched for the man of iron, but I could not find anything important. Despite Steve's frown, the leader comforted them, "I'm sure we'll find something soon, and we've already made a good amount of progress. Tony probably isn't too far away yet, and Jarvis told us that he's safe, which is the important thing. We all need sleep, Don't argue, we'll figure out what to do next tomorrow." Nobody had the strength or heart to argue, and they made their separate ways to the suites that Tony had given them when they had moved in. It took him what felt like forever to fall asleep, mind plagued with worry for his disappeared team-mate.

**Again, long, but what can I do? It's either long, or ridiculously short, so, long again. I am high on reviews and views, and if you want me to try to update tomorrow, I need energy from you guys. Reviews= Energy= Words. So, review, even a couple words would work, and I'll try to get some more out as soon as I can! Hope you enjoyed!**


	4. Chapter 4: Determination

**A/N: several things to address: 1****st**** of all, thank you all who've reviewed, and a special shout out to Special Agent Ali for continued support! 2****nd**** of all, there's been some questions about Pepper, and, guilty as charged, I have avoided bringing her in, but that changes in this chapter. Don't worry, pepperony fans, I'll have part of this chapter be from her perspective, and although it doesn't look good between her and tony right now, I can guarantee that they'll be together in the end. :) Also, I'm bringing in Rhodey soon to help the team. I find that he's someone other than Pepper who would know more about Tony when he was traumatized right after being captured.**

**Disclaimer: The Avengers will be mine… when the world ends. Unfortunately, the Mayans were liars, and the avengers will make sure the world doesn't end anytime soon. Darn it! **

The sun was bright through the window, and light was the first thing that Tony saw when he woke. The plane had arrived at one in the morning, and he had spent most of the day sleeping. Even when he got up, he was tired, not for lack of hours spent letting his body recuperate, but the draining feeling he always got when he was depressed. Emotions sucked the life out of him more than any wound or sleepless night could. Still, Tony twitched. Started with his fingers, tapping them to the chords of Beethoven's first symphony, then his arms, raising them to the ceiling, stretching higher, higher, until his hands felt like helium balloons. Then his feet, moving side to side to keep the beat, and his legs, so heavy they had no choice but to slide to the floor. One jerky movement that felt like it would tear his body apart, and he was up.

Breakfast was a cup of coffee and a piece of toast. The toast was tough and unappetizing, the coffee bitter but strength-filling. "Jarvis, open the roof and lower the ladder." His voice was soft and drowsy, almost imperceptible, but the panel slid back and a ladder slid down, an automatic system he had built many years ago, though he could never remember why. Slowly, Tony climbed, feet gripping the cold metal bars as he continued until his head spun. _Damn_, he needed to wake up. He was up, and the freezing wind battered at him, penetrating his silk pajama bottoms and cotton T-shirt while the sun gave him a warm glow in comfort. The seas howled at him, churning and pounding against the cliff the mansion was built on. In the other direction, it was bare for miles and miles, no sign of life except for the plants and the whispers of animals and wildlife. Tony sat, glad that the lower he got, the less the wind shook him, and just thought.  
It was nice, having a morning alone from everyone else, but his mind kept straying. Pepper was the first name that came-god, he missed Pepper. How long had it been since he had last seen her? She had been in a long term 2 week CEO meeting in Europe, and when she had gotten back, he was ecstatic. And not only a week later, he had screwed it all up…

"_Tony, I'm trying to help you!" Pepper had yelled. Everything was hazy. "Maybe I don't need your help." There were tears, everywhere, and he couldn't tell whether they were his or hers. "Find someone else, then." And she was gone._

No, remembering hurt too much. Where was the scotch? Did he have the strength to get down and get it? He closed his eyes. Tony was tempted to ask Jarvis to run the security tapes to see how everyone else was doing, but forced himself not to. It wasn't like he was going to talk to them, and it would only make it harder to isolate himself. They didn't understand, that he wasn't the sort of person you wanted to be around, and overall, Tony was scared to trust another person again, and he had come so close to doing just that. _Should have known better, should have distanced myself away from the team, I should've learned after Obadiah _he berated himself, but the present was the present, and Tony told himself that he would keep away from the rest of the team, at least until he figured out what to do. Mind drifting again, the billionaire continued to soak up the sun, feeling as if he was drifting off to sea, where no one could find him, and within minutes, he was asleep.

PPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEE EEEEEEEEEEE BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEAA AAAAKKKKKKK

Her heels made crisp, sharp clacks as she strode through the Hotel lobby in a professional manner, making her way to her room. Pepper was always cool when anyone was around, especially when on a business matter, but nobody was in the elevator with her, and her composure started to crumble. The truth was, although it had been she who left Tony, she still loved that crazy, irresponsible man, and being away from him for so long had made her anxious.  
That night, she had found Tony drunk and raving, and as much as she liked to believe she was fine with that, that she could be patient, Pepper found that seeing Tony sink into his past despair had been too much to handle. And even though he was obviously drunk when he said it, she had snapped, the relief of being home at the tower at last swept away from her in those few moments. Pepper had supposed that he had had a flashback, or a nightmare, and it was obvious that the past was taking toll on his judgment, which made her even more guilty for leaving him in that state, but she had needed distance, some time to think and then some patience to forgive and help him through whatever he was going through, so Pepper had stepped back, scheduled to join a board meeting in Arizona even though she hadn't really needed to go to it.

Now she wondered whether she should've stayed. But Tony had the team, and Pepper took comfort in the fact that Tony had been connecting with the other team mates, especially Bruce, who she knew could control him and listen to him at the same time. The elevator doors opened at the floor her room was on, and she pushed back her anxieties, keying open the door with the pass card and sitting on the bed taking off her heels and rubbing her slightly sore feet. The phone rang, and she dug through her purse and answered it with a manicured, "Hello, who is this?" she instantly recognized it as Steve as he replied, "It's me, uh, Steve."

"Oh, of course, what do you need? How are you doing?" despite her pleasant, conversational tone, Pepper was worried. Whenever he called, there always seemed to be something wrong with Tony. "I'm fine, Ms. Potts. I was wondering if you might be able to help us with a code."

"Shouldn't you ask Tony? He's more of the hacker…" this added to her suspicions. He knew that Tony would be the one to ask, why would he chose her to help?

"Well, it's kind of Tony's lock. We need to get it in without him knowing, so he can't help us, and Jarvis can't do it either."

"Well, I'll try to help. What is the lock for? Sometimes he'll share his passwords with me."  
"It's panel on a panel behind the mirror of the bathroom in the lab, we don't know what it does yet."

"I've never heard of that one. Captain, tell me the truth, is something wrong with Tony?" she asked. He hesitated, and her heart sank. "Just a second." He told her, and there was a rapid whisper between him and several other people that she couldn't make out. It was Natasha who was on the line now, and Pepper demanded to know what was going on, panic bleeding into her voice. "Ms. Potts, the truth is, we don't know where Tony is. He's perfectly alright, and left of his own will, we can tell that much, but we need to find him, and finding that code is essential." Blood roared in Pepper's ears, drowning out any noise. Tony was missing, gone. Although he was alright, Pepper knew that if he had ran away, it had been through emotion, and that meant that he could be anywhere, drowning in his misery, and that it was important that they found him soon. He was always reckless and unstable when he became depressed, and that was extremely dangerous. "Ms. Potts?" Natasha asked, and Pepper forced words out of her dry throat. "I don't know. Me and Tony weren't exactly on the best of relations early this month, and I haven't heard of any code for something like that. I'm scheduling a flight to New York right now; I should only be there in a couple hours."

"Of course. Ms. Potts, is there anything you can tell us that would be of help? Or anyone you know who might know something?" She was about to say no, but a different thought hit her, "Actually, there's Tony's friend, Colonel James Rhodes. He might know something more about it. I can text you his number."

"Thank you." Natasha sounded sincere and reassured, "I'm sure Tony's fine." Although Pepper would never admit it, her hands were shaking as she ended the call and quickly sent Rhodes's contact information. But as Pepper packed, called for a flight and drove out to the airport, she knew one thing; that she would get Tony back in one piece no matter how much it took.

PPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE BBBBBBRRRREEEEEEEAAAAKKKKKKK KKK

Natasha hung up after her quick conversation with the Colonel. She was surprised that Tony was friends with a military man, but could see why when she recognized that Rhodes was extremely loyal (she could tell from the alarm in his voice at the news and his eagerness to come off duty and help) but also level-headed in such a situation.

Bruce staggered out of the kitchen, clinging to a cup of coffee as if it were a life preserver. He had been given the task of searching through all of Tony's files to where he might've put down passwords, but by looking at the look on Banner's face, she could guess that it was a lot of tiring work with no promising results. It hadn't been long since Tony had disappeared, but she felt like every minute that passed was another possibility of him getting farther away or doing something foolish. It was clear that the billionaire hadn't been stable when he left, and there was almost no chance that he would be lucid or safe wherever he was.

It seemed like everyone blamed themselves; Clint had a self-doubt in his eyes, obviously blaming himself for letting Tony slip away while under his watch, Bruce looked like he was going to hulk out at any minute, Steve thought it was his fault that Stark had gotten so upset, Pepper sounded distressed over the phone, especially at mentioning that she had had a fight with Tony not so long ago, and even the normally energetic Asgardian was down, upset that he couldn't find any trace of the missing man. And even Natasha felt guilt weigh her down. She had had a strong voice against Tony when the team had argued, and, stuck in the search, she felt absolutely useless. It shocked her, but Natasha found herself missing the sarcastic, egoistic man, no matter how annoying she claimed him to be. The tower seemed to be devoid of life because of Tony's absence, and any energy that they complained that he took from them was scattered to the wind.

Natasha stood wearily and went up to the roof, remembering her panic at seeing Tony so close to the edge, a panic she hadn't felt since she was little, and wondered how the mere sight of a team-member in mental pain could elicit that reaction from her. When she stepped out into the sun, so bright for a place that had such a dark memory, she found that Steve was up there as well, though it was not a surprise. The big city continued to rush about below, like nothing had changed, and it made her feel as if Stark was going to pop out of the lab, laugh at them for being so down and take them to eat shwarma. It had been good that day, a little awkward, but even though they were all battered and tired, they had had a good time, and it started a connection that had grown into them being a family. But now Tony was gone, and the team was splitting apart, becoming worn without him to lighten the mood.

As Natasha approached the captain, she saw that he held a sketchbook as a charcoal pencil, but before she could comment, he flung the pencil over the edge, venting his frustration. It soared out of sight and he let out a frustrated sigh. It was different, seeing him emote in such an instinctive manner. The events of the past few days had even affected the cool-headed team leader, it was plain to see, and despite the fact that all the two men had done was argue, frequently and heatedly, sometimes no one could come as close to caring for Tony as Steve. She sat down next to him and although neither of them said a word, the softness of their faces but the determination in their eyes said that without a doubt, nothing was going to get in their way of finding their team-mate.

**Kay, school's starting tomorrow folks, and I might be able to post more, but I will have homework and projects and stuff, so accept that I've given you 4 chapters over 3 days and understand that things will slow down for a little bit. I'll still try to keep up, and remember reviews do actually help a lot. This was slow going, but I feel good about the way this is turning out so far, so I hope you enjoy! Also, tell me if I'm OOC on Pepper, it's pretty hard writing from her perspective, and some feedback on how I could improve on her would be appreciated! :)**


	5. Chapter 5: What he's become

**A/N: Hey people, I'm excited to be back! School's going good, but i think that teachers take some sinister delight in plaguing us with homework when we just get back, so i haven't been able to update super quick. But i'm here now and i think that you guys should constantly have a post in time for the weekend, that way i'll be sure to get updated for you guys and actually pay attention to real life. Thank you all for your support and it really got me motivated, so i'd appreciate it if you all keep it up so i can add more to this story soon! Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Me+owning= Not the avengers. :( (I've always been bad at math?:1**

Pepper had arrived, frantic, but needing some time to rest, and Colonel Rhodes arrived several hours later. Steve could tell that Tony's friend was upset at the news, although the man kept a calm face. He had always been good at reading people's emotions, even Natasha's, but for some reason, his thoughts and predictions about Tony were always wrong. Maybe it was the past distracting him, Tony _was_ Howard's son, and that was always forefront on the captain's mind, but Tony had an impenetrable mask, that hid another mask, and another. Steve was scared what would be at the bottom, or even more horrifying, if there was anything true within Stark.

Over the course of the year, he was starting to understand the billionaire. At first, all Tony had been to Steve was that he was a selfish, arrogant, egoistic man who pretended to be a hero, and the super-soldier had gotten heated about it, saying things he shouldn't have said; because under the sarcastic remarks was a generosity and selflessness, Tony had flown into a space with a missile with no thought of return. But now, everything was confusing. Tony was self-destructive, another well hidden layer, one that Steve couldn't even see. That night, his perspective of Tony changed again. He had never expected the natural cheerfulness and energy and ego to be another front to something more disturbing. Steve had screwed up, and now his teammate was missing, a danger to himself because his captain, his friend had misjudged him yet again. The others were blaming themselves, but Steve knew that he was the reason, that he had led the verbal assault against the already self-criticizing genius.

The Colonel had taken a small break, having flown in from overviewing a base in Florida right away, but the military man had come back out, looking ready to talk, and Steve brushed the pangs of guilt away, he had to focus on fixing his mistake, not reminiscing about it. Clint asked, "Is Pepper asleep?" and Natasha nodded, looking like she could use some rest herself, but Steve already knew she would refuse so he didn't bother. Rhodes looked curious, and, perceptive, to the secrecy in the room, asked, "Is there something else that I should know?" There was silence, and suddenly, Steve realized the team was looking at him to explain the situation, "Well," he started, not sure how to handle such a matter, "we didn't want to worry Ms. Potts unnecessarily, but the reason why we're all anxious is that a couple nights ago," he faltered. How much time had passed? It was all a blur. He took a deep breath to steady himself and continued, "Tony was up on the roof, trying to kill himself." Steve watched as a variety of emotions moved through the Colonel's face, first slight surprise, then remorse, and then the look of someone who had something to say but didn't know whether or how to say it. Steve explained some more, "We got him back inside, and kept watch on him, but he somehow slipped away, and we need to find him before he hurts himself." Steve did not miss the way Clint's eyes darkened at the mention of losing Stark.

"I'm, well, I'm not surprised that much. Did he tell any of you about Afghanistan?" Rhodes asked, and there was a series of no's, mostly conveyed through shaking of the head. "Well, he doesn't like to talk about it, even to people he trusts, but I've had enough patience and openness over the years to get parts of the story, and I've managed to piece it all together. When Tony got back from Afghanistan, he was boisterous and energetic, carefree and sarcastic. On the ride into the city, the first thing he asked for was a cheeseburger and a press conference. He seemed fine, but he really wasn't. I think that he was self-destructive even in his childhood, but being captured and seeing so much death at his hands really brought it out of him. So Tony started to do good things, but even as he got better and better and saved the world, he hated himself more and more for the things he did when he was known as the merchant of death. I tried to help him, but the more I did, the more he pushed me away. What concerns me, is that he hasn't been acting that badly in a long time."

Steve felt uncomfortable, but he still said guiltily, "We may have had something to do with that, there was some arguing…"

"That might or might not have been it; the only person who truly knows is Tony." Rhodes sighed, "What can I do to help?"

"There's a 20 digit code that we think Tony used to leave unnoticed, one that not even Pepper recognizes. We were hoping you might be able to help us find the code." Natasha interjected, and Steve felt relieved to be able to sit back and just listen.

Tony's friend sighed again and rubbed his forehead before sitting up straight again, pulling a piece of paper and a pen towards him, and said, "Well, I have several possible ideas that stand out to me, so we might as well start listing some now."

There were murmurs of assent and the team began writing, their minds wandering to what Tony might think important, what Tony might say, and most of all, where in the world their friend and team-member could be.

DAMNFANFICTIONNONPAGEBREAKSH AVINGTODOTHISISREALLYPISSING MEOFFAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH

Tony had taken out his Arc Reactor three times already, pausing pensively and examining the machine that kept him alive, sometimes picturing what his teammates would say, how they would react, but every time, sliding it back in with a click. He wondered how they were searching for him, and how far along they were, because he knew they would search. Maybe not very long, but they would try, if only because Fury put them up to it. He couldn't decide whether he took comfort in the knowledge that they were looking, and while some part of him wanted to be found, he ignored the feeling, his brain telling him that it would be a disaster if they did, that he would only damage them in the end.

Honestly, that was all he was good for. His first computer circuit at four, his first engine at seven, he was destined to bring destruction. And sure enough, at only the age of eight, he saw his bombs kill thousands of people. Some pitied him for being brought up like that at such a young age, but Tony appreciated the warning that life gave him, _just thought you ought to know you're meant to be a killer_, that sort of thing.

Sometimes he tried to catalogue all the weapons he had built and about how many were dead because of each new invention; so that he could keep some tallies on how many more he had to save for the balance to be even, but the scale became so weighed that he always gave up, knowing that even then, some of his still loose weapons were being sold on the black market and being used to injure. Tony found it easier to fight and blame himself for the damage later, because he knew he would never wipe out the red in _his _ledger. Clint and Natasha, they still had a chance, but he was a lost cause, always was.

Tony studied his reflection in the large glass windows that opened to the veranda, and what he saw made him feel sick. In one swift motion, he stood, picked up the lamp on the side table and smashed it through the window, beating his fists against the large pane until the cracks that ran through it caused the whole thing to shatter. A gust of wind swirled into the living room and Tony collapsed, sobbing violently at the thing that he'd become.

**i think this is short, but my definition of short is apparently twisted (or so i've been told). Either way, I hope i can update something longer soon, although i foresee a very busy weekend. Still, reviews really help, and suggestions would be good as well, like who's perspective you would like to read from next, plot suggestions etc. I already have the password, but whoever can figure it out first will get a shoutout from me in the next chapter, and I'll read through their stories and review. Also, a virtual cookie if they get it in before 3 days. Clues: It is 20 places long (there are no spaces), and it is the heart of something very meaningful to Tony. If nobody figures it out in the next three days, I'll give another clue. :) Have a fabulous weekend!**


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